


In a Heartbeat

by transience



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Gen, Open to Interpretation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-25
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-07-18 02:19:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7295611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transience/pseuds/transience
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas loves his wings, but he doesn't hesitate. Not when it means protecting Az from another undeserved hurt.<br/>Az's childhood still haunts him, but he'd give up his wings if it meant Cas could keep his.<br/>The world is dark and full of horrors, but even outside Velaris, they can find beauty in each other and in the Court of Dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In a Heartbeat

I don’t have gifts as you do, I cannot converse with the shadows. I know our lives were all hard before we met each other, and I cannot begin to imagine your life before, you know. You were born, as we all were, to take to the skies, but unlike us, you were bound to the ground, shut in the darkness. You had such beautiful wings, for one who had never known flight. When I say beautiful, I mean it in every aspect of the word. The wingspan was impressive, the biggest I’ve ever seen, but they were also magnificent, dark and elegant with the same classic beauty as your visage. I wondered how many times you would have tried to stretch them out before folding them back in when they met cold stone walls that never gave. They’re more muscled now, albeit not as tightly corded as my own. I see people recoil when they see your hands, the hands of a warrior gone through battles he did not deserve, battles he should not have had to fight. If I could turn back time, I would have found you, kicked down the bars that kept you there regardless of the consequences. I cannot begin to imagine the depths of your darkness, only watch as you wrap shadows around you as if they were the only things familiar.

 

I’m ordinary compared to the lot of you. I’m as powerful as you, and sure I can kick ass in hand-to-hand, but that’s about it. I command armies, but all the armies in the world cannot stop this, cannot get you the happiness and peace you so greatly deserve. What I can do is fight, and I do, to protect you and everyone we care about. And I suppose I could still fight without my wings, right? I’ll be lighter, quicker, able to protect everyone better -- but no matter. You are more important to me than my wings. And that means you are very fucking important to me. Be honoured. Ha.

 

I dreamt that I had failed. That your eyes widened in shock before you switched our positions and it was you whose wings were riddled in scraps of muscle and broken cartilage. I dreamt of visiting you, and your expression was the same as always, closed off with no sign of agony. Even he had not disguised his agony when his wings were riddled with ash bolts, and yours were shredded. I could not bear seeing you like that, as if the hurt was trivial or deserved. As if you were used to greater pain. Perhaps you were, how badly had your hands hurt? Forgive me, it is hard to imagine anything worse than the absence of my wings, or the sheer thought of losing you. Losing him to under the mountain was bad enough, but at least he was alive. It tore us all apart regardless, still gnaws at our souls even now. I will stay beside you nevertheless, until I awoke into reality and almost wept for joy. You were safe, you are safe, I kept you safe. And suddenly the missing weight seems worth it. I had always known that, but it is hard to believe sometimes, until I see you.

 

It hurts. It hurts and I feel off-balance all the time. But you’re there at the edge of the room half hidden in shadow, looking at me like that. And I know it was worth it. You have suffered too many hurts already, my friend. It was an honour to spare you from another.

 

Don’t get me wrong. You better whisk me off for midnight joyrides amongst the stars when all this is over, and still tag-team with me against our brother, purchasing a round of drinks at the tavern, then another, and another. I’ll see you back home when it’s over, in the city of starlight. There’s no rush, we have the rest of our immortal lives, don’t we? So much time to fumble in the darkness, I wonder how we’ll all end up, how things will fall out between all of us.

 

* * *

 

 

I have always been here, stuck in this cage. It is large, and occasionally I am let out to explore at the end of a leash, but it is still a cage. Or at least, I can’t seem to feel otherwise. I know I am free, that I can fly whenever I wanted to, do what I wish. I can smile freely when I’m with all of you, but not always, no. Sometimes the shadows, though they listen to me, feel like additional bonds. Yet they feel familiar, and safe, perhaps from all that time I was in their company.

 

But I cannot get used to this freedom. I barely resist the urge to open every single door, to stop looking back, to always ensure there is an open pathway leading to the outside. I think he’s noticed, he has always been perceptible of our needs, and it irks me, the way I feel so unsafe even though I’m with all of you. The fear of being thrown back in that cage may forever gnaw at the back of my mind.

 

You have been the inconstant sky to me, always there, sometimes underappreciated, but every time I stop and take a look you’re there, as beautiful as ever. No, the beauty of the sky is variable as well. Sometimes it’s pretty, a fading blue with a matt blush just before the sunrise. Sometimes it’s breath-taking, angry swirls of dark grey just before a storm. Sometimes its home, warm and glowing vermillion as the sun sets. Sometimes its peace, a canvas of pitch encompassing the stars. The beauty is dissimilar, but still, its majesty endures, as your strength does.

 

We have all seen such darkness, the worst the world has to offer, and somehow the world still manages to shock with novel unfathomable horrors. It mustn’t have been easy, living with me, especially in the first few years, but it has been an honour to fly with you, and fight with you. Know that I’d die for this without hesitation, this fragile beauty that he has somehow managed to bring together. You’ve made my darkness softer, brighter, your fire melting my ice.

 

You cannot see my cage, and I can live with that, with seeing you free outside my bars. I can live with the ephemeral taste of freedom as I watch you shine, before I am yanked back by my own limitations and ineptitude, leaving you standing on the outside looking in.

 

Your expressions can break hearts, you know, when it’s so open and true. Longing, adoration, guilt, admiration, love can be read off your visage so easily, and you don’t even try to conceal it. You always had a true heart, and you wear it on your sleeve. You can barely disguise the immense pain you are in right now, and I'd trade places with you in a heartbeat if I could. I've lived without flying for years, I can learn to let go of that freedom if it meant you'd still have yours. I really hope we make it through, my first friend.


End file.
